‘Here come the colouring books..’

Colouring books…check

Learn to sketch book…check

Gym membership…check

Spanish lessons…check

Fairy lights and candles…check

Essential oils…check

384759 new books and journals…check

So, I don’t know about anyone else but I am a sucker for trying to pump myself with all things mental healthy all at once and then boom, I avoid all 97 coping mechanisms and sleep instead.

After my post on Wednesday, I was all pumped and ready for da newww me and whilst I have gone to the gym, not drunk alcohol and done a lil reading, I’m incredibly impatient and I want to feel better all the time and right now and when I don’t I pack it all in and go back to the easy thing, sleep, self-depreciation and delicious wine…

BUT NOT THIS TIME BUDDYYY.

I am so predictable it is ridiculous, I knew that I would order all this stuff and get overwhelmed and then avoid any kind of self-help because again, drinking wine and sleeping is much easier. However, my predictability has come in useful because I pre-predicted a mini-meltdown after a few days of ‘yes i change my life and be better now’ (because I can be mean to myself and tell myself I’ll fail so avoid the tasks beforehand you get me?) and so on Friday, I used to the evening to organise my calender and colour code it all pretty again. I haven’t done that in a very long time and it sounds pathetic but giving myself a task each day, as simple as ‘read 30 pages of a book of choosing’ makes me all like, ooohhh better do that now, the calendar has told me so and who am I to ignore the calendar???

I have an annoying habit for biting of more than I can chew, but maybe a part of me thinks I need that, or maybe I am throwing myself into being busy 33493 minutes of the day to distract myself…but also maybe that’s a good thing? Isn’t that what it is all for…give your brain an hour of from being an anxious idiot???…I think so.

This is the first weekend I haven’t drunk any alcohol (normally i’d have a glass on a Friday, nothing too wild) since at least the start of the year, most likely longer. This is v good for Char. Now to just keep it up and remember the reasons behind it..I deserve to treat myself better, loving myself from the inside out and I am the same person with or without the backing of booze.

(Is my new found daily gratitude journal vibes coming of yet?)

As well as all the fun stuff, I am on the waiting list for some more therapy…it’s a four month waiting list and so I think it will be around Dec / Jan time and I want more than anything to use those sessions to focus on the trauma, not my alcohol / stress induced anxiety / depression…of course, they’re all embedded with each other in some way or another and I am oversimplifying it because we don’t need to delve all into that on this rainy Sunday. I think it’s important to always advocate for professional help as well as the other mechanisms because whilst these do help in the interim, I believe you can’t resolve your trauma alone. That’s just how I see it for me and of course, we are all different in our healing process, what I found when I have tried to do it alone, I’ve left myself open and vulnerable and I really don’t know how to ‘shut me back down’.

I have also found voluntary services better, I’m not sure why but I think it’s specific to my own individualised experiences and the services I have used are for my specific trauma, but like I said before, it is like going to a world food buffet and needing to try all the dishes at least once until you go back for more to the one you like more than the others…another overly simplified way to try and understand the anomaly of mental health.

Anyway, I’ve had a productive day and I am feeling proud of myself so far. I feel like this time feels different, but only time will tell. Learning to be more patient with myself has been difficult, I think that leads back to the pressure I have always put on myself to achieve and move and succeed and i must be-doing-something-great-at-all-times-ever, when actually, nothing ever happens overnight and self-reflection is such a huge thing to ever be able to start to do. When I do, I really recognise the ‘growttthhhhh’ and whilst I am not quite there yet, I’m not sure when or if I will ever be, but you are always much further along than you used to be…even if you struggle to always identify it. Patience, patience patience…eventually, patience.

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